Tickle Your Fancy

I thought we should spice up our love life,
We were both feeling terribly bored.
I felt that there must be a fetish
That so far we hadn't explored.
I felt, spon spon spontaneity mattered,
And so we abandoned our bed,
And snuck down the garden at midnight,
To try a quick **** in the shed.
It really was very ironic,
A dibber smashed down on his head,
I heard him emitting a terrible groan,
As it smashed the seed boxes
(Including his own),
We had cocoa and biscuits instead.
We both had mislaid our libidos,
Our sex drives were slowly abating,
So we rushed to Ann Summers and purchased
Some items I thought...titillating.
We jumped into bed clad in rubber,
But this failed to come up to scratch,
As the temperature rose in the bedroom,
It started to smell like Brands Hatch.
He then tried a whip, and a fearful black mask,
'Cos he hoped I'd be turned on by danger,
To his chagrin however, I started to laugh,
'Cos he looked like the bloody Lone Ranger.
We thought then we'd try the Mile High Club,
That the altitude might turn us on,
But the cabin crew caught us undressing,
We were marched off the plane in Hong Kong.
You have to admire our persistence,
I mean, could it really get worse?
I have to record that it bloody well did,
Hence the number of lines in this verse.
We went to the woods, to swing from the trees,
Although it was darkest December,
The bracken and bark scratched both of my knees,
And pierced his recalcitrant member.
We went to a wife-swapping party,
Nil desperandum, no doubt,
He dangled his bait,
But by a cruel twist of fate,
He landed the self-same old trout!